Ding Dong - at the tone, the time will be 5:09 am. I've been awake since 3:20. I guess I shouldn't be suprised that along with the lack of sleep and stress as of late, and the hospital visiting, etc that I've developed the most heinous cold ever. My face is in pain, my sinuses are so backed up. No fever, no cough, just lots and lots and lots of snot.

Dad came home yesterday evening. They don't have a diagnosis yet for certain. They thought for a while that it might be a heart issue, that blockage somewhere was making him lose circulation to his brain. After several heart related tests, they've deemed it not to be a heart issue, but "something neurological". He has a stress test on Tuesday and a three hour psych evaluation of some sort on Wednesday. In early January he has a sleep study. In the meantime he has another appointment scheduled with his neurologist. He's very scared and didn't want to come home until they could tell him what was wrong for sure. He broke down and cried hard with one of the nurses yesterday. He's just a wreck.

When he came home last night, my middle brothers oldest son who is ten was here and my dad was more so attentive than usual to him. Don't get me wrong, my dad is the best grandpa ever and is very attentive to all the kids, but he was way more interested in the video game Logan was playing than he normally would have been. Saff was very happy to see him and sat down on his lap and snuggled into him and he started crying. He is so worried about how if his incident had happened earlier while they were at the park together alone that she could have been hurt or gotten lost..or that if it'd happened while he drove her home that something bad could have happened to them both. I don't even want my brain to go there.

Today we head out for a Thanksgiving brunch at the local amish restaurant with my parents and my brother. Eric and I will head to Columbus to go pick up our appliances down there. After that we'll head back to my parents (an hour away) to finish loading up with all the stuff that has come here over the last several months along with the cats, the dog and my parents and head north to Cleveland (an hour and a half). We'll paint and clean and maybe rake the yard (leaves everywhere! This is new to us - we only had one tiny tree in Columbus). We're hoping to be able to get the carpets (all white - OMG) steam cleaned over the weekend. The movers come Monday at 9 am! It will be a long weekend.

I was telling Eric on the way home from signing our papers yesterday - all summer I've wanted nothing more than to have a house in Cleveland and to be together as a family....and now, I don't want to be up there at all. I want to be right where I am and be near my dad.

Tags: dad, house, thanksgiving

After I wrote my last entry I went to the park with my niece, my daughter and my dad. My niece and I ran while dad played with Saff in the park. I stopped short in my running because I'd had too much to drink the night before and hadn't eaten anything and my body was toast, but my niece continued on. My dad and Saff were walking and I joined them. While we walked along I said "There's Autie!" and my dad looked at me very puzzled and said "how'd she get here?" He was holding here sweatshirt..... Later he admitted to my mom that he had been "confused at the park" and later still he admitted that he had been dizzy while Saffy was playing, and that he'd made her go for a walk to find me because he wasn't feeling good, but he never told me this....and I let him drive my daughter home while I ran home with my niece. I should have known better....

Two hours after we came home, I was sitting at the dining room table with my mom playing cards. Saff was in bed asleep, I still hadn't showered from my run because I came home to find out that we actually are closing on our new house tomorrow and I called all utilities to make sure we're set up.... Dad was outside sorting the recycling. Mom and I were playing along and dad walks into the kitchen (of which I'm in clear eyesight of), he looks around...his knees dip a bit and he keeps looking around. I ask if he's ok and he hits the floor. Mom runs to him and I run to the phone. He's out about 30 seconds, but he's really confused and talks with a slur when he comes to. I'd called 911 and both my brothers..the ambulance has yet to arrive....he's confused and not with it at all.

Mom and I follow him to the ER where his vitals improve significantly (his bp at our house was 200/100!!!) and they say they'll run a few tests and let him go. Mom corners his ER doc in the hall and asks for him to admit him...the ER doc admits that they can't find anything wrong with him and at this point are looking at a diagnosis of dementia......but will agree to admit him for the night for observation.

We'd all been thinking it, but not acknowledging it. My whole life changes in this moment...

I adjust my thinking. I talk to mom. Sell your house. Move to Cleveland. They have a big VA hospital up there, which dad has already been to, I'll be there, I can help. Mom agrees.

Life is throwing us one curveball after another....and I'm trying to adjust....but really...I just want to scream.

Over the weekend Eric and I were taking a shower together in my brothers amazing master bath shower. It's an open shower, a room that you walk into. One side is the exterior of the house, beautiful white brick, out of which both large shower heads hang. Another side is a giant window that goes over your head so you get a clear view of the sky while you shower and meets the ground. Outside the shower is a courtyard with a large fence so nobody can see you. It's really beautiful. Anyway...I gave Eric a big hug and put my head against his chest until I could hear his heartbeat..and at that instant I flashed back to the vet putting her stethescope to Dmy's chest and telling us that his heart had beat for the last time...and I got soooo sad. I miss that guy. I don't feel as sick over it as I had been feeling, but it still makes me feel intensely sad.

Eric and I had the good fortune to be able to travel to Texas over a long weekend. We were able to visit my brothers new house, it's gorgeous. We then headed to a gaming convention in Dallas and had a blast playing new games all weekend. It's more of Joe's thing than mine, but I really enjoy spending time with my big brother. Joe is a fun, likable guy - pretty easy going.

I missed my kid while we were gone, but it was so nice to have a little break. I got a lot of reading done, I slept a little bit, played a ton of games, did some running, ate some good food and just had fun. I think she enjoyed getting a little break from me too.

Knock on wood, we are supposed to be closing on our new house by 11/30 or sooner, but we don't have our closing date yet. I'm looking forward to having my stuff back and my own space and not feeling like an intruder.

That's about it.

I've put Cloud on a diet. He's disgustingly large and will eat anything that isn't tied down. He's particularly fond of dog food. He's so large that he can't clean the back half of his body, so he's covered with mats and of course he's the most skittish cat I've ever met, so attempting to pick him up or contain him so you can groom him is impossible at best. He's begun letting me know his displeasure with the new feeding schedule by sitting near his food bowl and yowling at the top of his lungs. He's not a quiet cat. Actually, he's impressively loud. Having lost one cat recently, I'm a little more motivated to keep the rest of the brood (all two of them) healthy. We'll work on getting his weight down and then perhaps on the grooming aspect.

Saffron went all weekend without much of a peep about Dmytri. This morning however she was abnormally quiet and when I asked her what was wrong she asked where Dmytri was. Previously, Grandma had told her that Dmy died and went to heaven to live with Jesus and God. She'd seemed ok with this explanation, but this morning it just wasn't cutting it. I told her again the Dmy was very sick and had died and she asked if she could go to Grandma's church to see him. It was then that I put two and two together. When Saffron goes to church with my mom, my mom calls it "going to God's house". So, when Dmytri went to live with God and Jesus, she's obviously thinking that he was too sick to live at our house, so he's living at Grandma's church. She explained to me that she thought Grandma would be seeing Dmytri every Sunday when she went to church and then again when she went back for bible study each week. I had to explain to her that it doesn't work like that and unfortunately when people or pets die, we can no longer see their bodies and that it's ok to be a little sad about it or to miss the person or pet. I let her know that I was sad and that I missed him, but that we'd hopefully see him again one day when we go to heaven.

This explanation has left me a little uneasy though. I'm filling my child's head full of ideas that I'm not completely sold on because, it's easier than the blunt truth that everything and everybody dies. Life just stops and there's no more going on - which is honestly how I see it. I struggle with the idea of an afterlife, heaven if you will. I struggle with the concept of God. I'm not denying that there is one, I just...I don't know, it's hard for me to believe sometimes. I pray, but I don't know who or what I'm praying to. I'm just putting random thoughts, thanks and requests out there into the universe hoping that somehow that helps.

I'm going back and forth this year between trying to be incredibly thankful for what I DO have and feeling sorry for myself over all the crap that's been happening. I'm really trying to stay positive and stay on top of my emotions, but it's been overwhelmingly negative and right now I feel about as low as I can get. I just want to sneak into a hole and be a hermit for a while. I need a couple days to just be alone with my thoughts and myself. That's not gonna happen though, so I need to snap out of it. I do feel that my new medication is helping immensely - I'm not dull to the feelings and I'm thankful for that. I want and need to feel these things. I know life can't be all sunshine and roses all the time...I just wish there didn't seem to be so many cloudy days lately.

Yesterday morning I had to call Eric to tell him he needed to come home right away. It was time to put Dmytri to sleep. The poor guy just hadn't been quite right for a couple months, alternating not eating and not drinking. We'd given him supplements and medication and taken him in for subcutaneous fluids and nothing seemed to pop him back to his old self. The night before I'd gone down to get him so he could sleep with me. When I picked him up he kept drooling and licking his lips. I thought he might puke, so I laid him on the floor in my room and he just sat in that same spot for about 45 minutes and didn't move. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and picked him up and put him in bed with me. In the morning when I got up, he was on the floor. I pet him and left the door open and went about my morning. A while later he was two steps outside the door laying in the middle of the hallway. A while after that he was about two steps farther, laying down. A while later, two more steps away. He couldn't walk very far and each time I saw him he was nearly asleep, face down in the carpet.

I cleaned up all of his things in my room and threw away all of his medicine, so it wouldn't be around when Eric got home. I picked him up and cuddled him for a while, and the other cats came into the room and cuddled with us as well. It's like they knew. The vet closes early on Thursdays, so I ended up having to meet Eric there rather than wait for him to come to the house and then head out. I sat in the room holding the kitty and stroking him and he just layed there, but when Eric came in he started purring. He knew his daddy was there. He seemingly fell asleep peacefully - and while we are missing him so damn bad, we know that we did the right thing.

What sucks about all of this is that we would have loved to have him cremated, but we can't. On Tuesday night when I tried to give him his meds, he bit me hard. It wasn't intentional, my finger was IN his mouth, but he got me good and I had to go in and get a tetnus shot and antibiotics. The hospital reported it to the health department, because they have to. The health department needed the body because they have to test for rabies in all circumstance of animal bite...even though he was an indoor cat. I feel awful about this. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it and I have that sinking feeling in my stomach.

In other news, I had an ultrasound done of my right breast today. The doctor thinks it's just cystic tissue, but the ultrasound should show for sure.

My dads MRI came back ok, which is good and bad news. It means he didn't have a stroke, but there's still something going on with him that's undiagnosed as of yet. He just left for a two week camping trip in the Upper Peninsula against my mothers and the doctors wishes. I will stop worrying once he gets back home.

The home stuff is going along swimmingly, finally. And we should, knock on wood, be able to close by the end of the month. This is the silver lining in my cloud that is keeping me sane.

Tonight I'm having pizza, wine and chocolate chip cookies with my friend Dawn and a personal trainer/marathon expert that she went to school with. I'm looking forward to some girl time.

Holy crap...seriously. Can life just let up a little bit?

Today my dad went to the neurologist. They're following up on what they think was a stroke. He's so afraid it's alzheimers, it's not funny. He has an EEG scheduled for next week, as well as an MRI and a psych evaluation. He's also planning to leave on his annual two week hunting trip to upper Michigan next Wednesday. Neither the doc nor my mom want him to go, but he's still planning on it.

Dmytri is hanging in there. He's eating tiny amounts, but he's not drinking. He pooped the most miniscule poop today. He's sleeping alot and generally not the same kitty. I'm holding out hope that he'll snap out of it, but I'm not holding my breath.

Saffron has been so good the last two days. This is a blessing since she'll be blissfully good lately and then snap like something evil has taken her soul. Seriously. Today she was helpful, happy and good. We had a bit of an issue when we were heading to Walmart to buy a present for someone else and she insisted that she needed presents of her own. I reminded her of what a fotunate person she was and how some people didn't have anything and she needed to be thankful. I forbade her from asking for anything..and she actually listened and obeyed. Made me happy.

TMI - on Saturday my nipples hurt a little. Sunday my right boob started aching. Monday it continued and was still sore today. Tonight I laid down and felt it and I have a lump on my right breast. I'm calling the doctor in the morning.

I know I've done some bad shit in my life, but really...I think karma has gone above and beyond in paying me back this year.

I am afraid to say "this year can't get any worse" because it always can...and I don't really want to know how it can. I don't want it to get any worse, I just want the heavy stuff to stop happening.

So, in August Saffy sat on Dmytri and fractured his pelvis. From here he went on cage rest which either forced him into a depression that resulted in lack of appetite or caused some sort of damage that was not readily apparent and he has since lost his appetite. We've had him at the vet on numerous occasions, the last of which they brought up the possibility of the big E word if things don't get better soon.

To euthenize or not to euthenize, that is the question. What I need right now is for a psychic to come along and tell me if my cat is in pain and if there's the slightest, not excessively financially draining chance, that I can help him out.

Things are not looking well. While the formerly big guy is eating now and is still his social self, he kept us up a good portion of the night last night meowing and walking back and forth to the litter box. He hasn't pooped in...I don't know how long, but he hasn't been eating for a long time, so the need to poop wasn't there. So this begs the question, is he now constipated from being dehydrated and that is causing him his current stress or is something going further wrong causing him great pain?

I hate not being able to communicate. I hate to jump on the "he's feeling alot of pain" bandwagon so let's euthenize him.... because I'm just not sure. I don't want to cause him pain, but I don't want to put him down if we can fix this.

Why are there never any easy answers?

Tags: cat, dmytri, euthenization

I'm taking the cat back to the vet again today - he's not eating...again. Our once 16 pound cat is probably 9 pounds now. This doesn't bode well and I'm scared.

I'm calling my doc to see if I can get in tomorrow. I feel like I'm on the verge of completely losing my sanity. I've woken up nearly every morning this week with a panic attack. I really can't handle life at all right now and I feel like I'm one foot in the mental ward...perhaps that's where I belong?

Life over all, is really not that bad and could be so much worse...I'm just not handling stuff well. Maybe time to up my meds again or find a new one.

So, I'm thinking of stepping away from LJ and into Blogger...but I want a cool blog name. Something to do with growing and perhaps running.... something sort of fun and not too cerebral. Ideas?

If I could go back in time, I'd tell my 16 year old self to never try a cigarette. That it'd suck up a ton of my money, make me stink, help turn my body in to mush and ruin my running career.

If I could go back to my 18 year old self, I'd tell her to not get her belly button pierced. That no matter how cool it looked on my skinny body then, a few short years later I'd take it out...and the flap of scarred skin it left over my belly button after I had a baby is just nasty looking.

If I could go back to my 20 year old self, I'd tell her that more than one man in my life would tell me that he loved me. That some day someone would really mean it and that marrying an up and coming rock star wasn't all it was cracked up to be. To stay in school and get my degree, because it would be around a lot longer than the guy ever would.

If I could go back to my 27 year old self, I'd tell her to stick with the job, no matter how miserable it may have made me at the time to have a complete moron for a boss. I'd tell her that in the end, he'd get his (and he did) and that it was a great growing experience with lots of opportunity.

Today I'd like to tell my 33 year old self, that I'm proud of the growing I've done this year.　I'm glad that I stuck with the goal and completed it. I'd like to remind myself of something I've known all along, but seem to have forgotten....I can do anything I put my mind to. Ｉshouldn't be afraid of failure, because in those failures, I learn and grow stronger. I am a strong, smart woman who needs to start applying herself more often, instead of looking for excuses. I will do great things some day....I will.