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nikki_herself
Life is going ok. I'm working part-time, temporarily at a dental office. I'm training for my third half marathon and my first full marathon. My sewing business is going ok. We got a new dog. My kid started school and I'm signing her up for swim lessons. She's behaving absolutely horribly lately, but I'm hoping it's a phase. My dad was doing ok, but is slipping a little bit now and needs to revisit the doctor soon. My mom is having some heart issues. My nephew continues to not do well and they've put him back on steroids, which give him high blood pressure..... I think that's all the major news for the last few months.

I just wanted to stop for a moment to say.....I'm sad to hear people acting so happy that bin Laden was killed. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he was found - I just wish that justice had been served some other way, but I'm not entirely sure in what way. Perhaps that he just sit in a padded room for the rest of his life? I can't help thinking about how scary the moments leading up to his death must have been. How his family must feel. I know he was a horrible person and that he encouraged the killing of thousands of people...still I just can't celebrate the death of anyone. It's the end of a life. Maybe that's because I'm so scared about what the end of my own will be like?

I'll admit too that I'm a little afraid of what's to come because of this. Will the next leader be worse than this? Because you know something is coming....but what? 
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The holidays are nearing.  We'll have no company for Christmas this year, which is awesome..we'll be at my moms where I feel comfortable and at peace during the holidays. Being home just doesn't seem right. I love being with my parents and my brothers...and of course my hubby and daugher.

This year I've attempted to either purchase or make something handmade for everyone in my family - at least one thing.... so here's the list of what I've gotten..

1) Saffy - handmade soap in the shape of ballerinas.
2) Eric - hand painted bourbon glasses
3) Dad - Eric is making him a tumbling dice game
4) Mom - a bracelet
5) My brother and his wife - holiday napkins, napkin holders and Christmas trees made of corks.
6) My niece and nephew got - hand knitted animal head hats.
7) MIL got a hand painted bowl
8) FIL got a Saffron painted picture frame with her school picture

The only other person I purchased a gift for was my brother who lives in MI and I just got him a gift card....because they don't appreciate shit. Maybe that sounds mean, but it's true..and I almost didn't get them anything, but I felt a little guilty.

I'm doing ok.  I've been pretty busy between Saffy and sewing and just life. I've slipped on the working out stuff.  I'm drinking a little more than I should as I do from time to time.  I miss my friends, but I'm making some new friends.

I went to a cookie exchange earlier this week with the women in our neighborhood which was pretty fun. I was the first one there and I was 10 minutes late and I was one of the last ones to go...just because I know the other "young" mom in the neighborhood and we were chatting. I had a few awkward moments where all of them were making plans of doing something in the future....and didn't bother to include me.  I felt a little bad..but I can't make them invite me and honestly, I don't know that I really want them to because there seems to be a LOT of drama in this group...but still.

I miss my friends.
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fuck me...I already wrote this once...

Our neighbors are apparently rich and invited us to a fundraiser tonight - which they were major contributors for....weird...but fun. Felt slightly out of place, but still fun.

Time for bed.  My laptop keeps screwing with me...
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Every once in a while I get fixated on death.....and I am right now.  It scares the shit out of me.

That's about it.
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Saffy and I snacked on edamame from our garden today.  I'm currently making stir fry and some of our peas are in it.  Next week I plan to harvest our black beans.  The garden hasn't done great this year, but that's mostly my own fault.  I didn't water like I should have in the beginning and I think I started it too late. I also didn't do my due diligence and read up on what likes what.  I know now that my black beans are thriving because they were planted so late, that my peas should have been planted a few weeks earlier and that...well, green beans apparently aren't my forte - as isn't spinach.

There are great things happening in my compost box.  I must remember to turn it more often, but otherwise it's doing really well.

We have decided to do hand made for Christmas and birthdays for a while.  1) Because finances suck when you have one person bringing in income and two mortgages.  2) Because I have a stash of craft things that I need to use up. 3) Because it's nice to get away from commercialism and give people something truly well thought out and made with love.  I just made some cool wine themed cocktail napkins for our friends 50th birthday and I'm making some more for my MIL.  I also have a pattern out for a reusable grocery bag with wine holders that I plan to make for a couple of people.  I'm hoping to can some black beans and give some away and maybe to make some liquer again like I did a couple years ago.  Eric might also be talked in to making a couple of game boards of this dice game that we made for ourselves earlier this year.

I'm feeling better on my meds.  The only complaints that I have are that when I forget to take it, my head gets this really full feeling in it and I have crazy weird dreams again.  I haven't been running very much and I'm eating like shit, but I'm not gaining much weight, so I guess that's good...until the shit hits the fan and I start packing on the pounds.
 
Ok, trying to eat dinner and entertain my kid who refused a nap today, who is sooo ready for bed.  Getting frustrated.
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I made Saffy eggs with ham and cheese for dinner tonight because Eric and I were having leftover Shephard's Pie, which she made clear she didn't care for the other day.  So I make the eggs and she refuses to eat them for a good long while.  I make it clear that I'm not making anything else to eat for dinner and she'd better eat the eggs if she's hungry.  After hemming and hawing for a while, she sits down to eat the eggs and after a couple of mouthfuls I hear, "Damn, this stuff is good!"  I couldn't help but laugh....
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I need a great piece of pro-gay, anti-tea party, pro-Obama literature that I can send to an uncle of mine who just sent me the biggest load of Tea Party bullshit I've ever read.  He sent it to FOUR of my email accounts (only one of which I knew he had)...on a list of 12 people he sent it to, mine was the only multiple name, so there's NO mistake that he meant to piss me off.  I need something nice to send him in return.  Help! 
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I have some projects I need to get going on, but I have a few issues.

 I want to decorate Saffron's room so that it looks like a cottage - she's hell bent on having pink, so I wanted to make one wall look like a pink house and have picket fencing around the other walls, with the ceiling and the top half of the walls painted blue with clouds.  However....her room isn't a perfect square - the walls and ceiling are angled together and there are two small doors along big walls in her room that are for attic access.  I'm not sure how to get around this...but I'm kind of stuck on this idea...there's also a small area on the side that juts out, so she has 6 wall spaces to paint/cover instead of just 4.

I also need to get the garden plotted out and the yard tilled.  I'm just not entirely sure where I want to put it yet, but we NEED to get moving on it now'ish.  I need to contact my friend Jenni to see if we can borrow her dads rototiller this weekend to get going. Also, also...I need to start my compost pile.  We're pitching way too much stuff that can be composted. 

Thirdly, we have about 10 foot of ivy surrounding our house.  Because the house was bank owned for over a year'ish they didn't properly care for the yard and leaves sat on the ivy, killing a good portion of it.  I've been working to get the piles of dead leaves out of the ivy when it's nice and now I'm realizing just how bad it is.  I didn't like the ivy to begin with and had decided that after a year or two I'd work to replace it, but I may have to do it sooner rather than later because I have a bunch of bare ivy sticks surrounding my front entry and it looks really ugly.  I'm not sure how I want to landscape this area yet - anyone good with this kind of thing?  I can post pictures and you can give me ideas if this is something you enjoy!!!  Eric just knows he wants to have a weeping cherry somewhere..I want to incorporate lillies and daisies.

I should get off my duff and start working on some of these things.  I think I might go to the garden store today to pick up a cage for composting...and maybe paint the ceiling in the half bath downstairs now that the wall is fixed.

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I called the doc and I can go in at 1.  I'm going in for my stomach issues which I'm sure are probably part of my anxiety.  I've shit four times this morning - really, nasty stuff.  Sorry for the TMI.  I'm having some stomach pain right under my rib cage and I can't quit crapping.  I'm also not sleeping and I want to cry all the f'ing time right now.

I know that the doc is probably going to recommend that I go back on anti-anxiety meds and while I'm sure it's probably a good idea, I hate, hate, hate that idea.  I don't like taking medication.  I want to control this beast without meds.  I can't help but wonder if people have always felt this way. If what I'm feeling is "normal", but I can't imagine that being scared of absolutely nothing all the time is normal.  I was trying to figure out how long I've been dealing with this...and I think it goes back to the time I was at Peas house and had my thyroid attack, which was incredibly scary.  Ever since then I'm so afraid that any little ache or pain or unusual feeling within my body is going to turn into something horrible.  I can try and try to talk myself out of stuff, but inevitably the feeling of fear comes back tenfold...and I don't like living this way.  It goes away when I run or when I'm occupied, but the minute things slow down, or at night - thoughts pop into my head and I just get scared and feel awful and am convinced that I'm dying.  Obviously I can't run all the time - though wouldn't that be great?

I hate admitting that I have a problem.  I feel like I'm failing at life.

On the plus side - I've found that since I quit drinking, I have way more patience and am much kinder to my kid...which has resulted in having a much kinder kid.  If we could work on nap and bed times, she'd be perfect, but I'll take what I can get for now.  She's a happy, smart, beautiful kid...and for that I'm thankful.  I'm just sorry that it took me three years to realize that my drinking was making me not such a nice mom.  I never beat my kid and I never did horrible things to her, but I'm sure I wasn't as tolerant as I could have been.

Admitting these things openly makes me worry that my friends will think less of me...that my husband is going to be sorry he married the crazy mess that is me...that my family is going to call me out on my shortcomings.  I can't keep all this bottled up inside of me any longer though and I guess...right now I just feel like I don't have much to lose.  I need to get it out and then sort out the mess when the dust settles...because I feel like I'm about to blow.  I can' t cope any more.

..and now I"m crying.

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I'm getting ready to call the doctor.  I'm going to ask for a referal to a therapist today.  I was thinking about this last night though - it seems like every time I go to a therapist I never tell the whole truth.  I don't fully disclose my issues and it never ends up helping and I need to change that.

Those of you who go to therapy.  Do you fully disclose your issues or do you kind of beat around the bush? I really, really, really  need help and I want to disclose everything, but I'm not sure I can do it.
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