Tonight is the last night my little monkey will spend in this house. I'm sad. She has no clue. She's been displaying some really horrid behavior lately, but so have I. Things are so...not normal, so I'm trying to be patient. This is hard for us all.

Eric is on his way home. Once he gets here we'll go to Rita's and have teeny tiny ice cream cones - Saff's favorite.

We went to Ballentrae, where Eric and I got married, today and Saff played with friends in the fountains. I sunscreened my front appropriately, but my back is totally fried and it hurts so bad. Oops.

Our neighbor went to see Mama Mia the other day and left a package in our door while we were gone today with a Mama Mia shirt for me and a pink bag and a teddy bear with Mama Mia on it for Saff. She's so thoughtful. I need to walk over with Saff in a bit and say thank you.

I hate goodbye. I hate goodbye so much because I just don't know how to cope with it. I've always had a problem with goodbye. As long as I can remember, even saying goodbye for an evening or until the next weekend when I was little always left me with this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Saying goodbye to relatives who live close by, friends at school on Friday....always, I felt that dread. I've felt that dread since April and it keeps growing into this ever bigger festering ball......and right now it's so close to exploding. Here's how I want to deal with it... I want to pretend it doesn't exist. I want to ignore it. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to run away. Basically, I don't want to deal.

Here's what I have to do....hold my shit together. Be a responsible parent and not partake. Make phone calls and appointments to wrap shit up down here. Deal with it head on..face first...bull by the horns.

I fucking hate this.

We have this picture of Saff. It's the summer before her first birthday and she's sitting on the floor in her room wearing a white dress with two little blue barrettes holding back her whispy hair. She's sitting in front of the window by Shadow - and in one picture she's kissing Shadow and in the next she's so over joyed that she just did. It's so cute and I love it. Eric has it framed on his desk at work.

I was just picking up toys with Saff before bed and I was sitting in front of the window and that day popped back into my head and I just started crying. I remember sitting in her room with the dog before she could crawl and watching her roll from one end of the room to the other. And more recently, her and Charlotte pulling every toy they could get onto their "bus" (Saff's bed) and singing together. A shit ton of memories from her room just hit me at once and it made me so happy and sad...and it made me realize how much I really will miss being here and how much life has changed this year...and while I'm excited - I'm absofuckinglutely miserable too.

Eric lost his job, the dog moved in with my parents, Eric found a job, we're moving, my oldest brother is moving too damn far away, Gavin continues to get sicker....I just want it to stop. I need something stable and the same...

It's starting to sink in that my days here (in this house) are coming to an end...and while I'm so excited about our new home and glad that I'll be moving out of this neighborhood...I'm so sad too. This is our last weekend here. I just brought suitcases up to pack Saffy's clothes in for the next month. We have a camping trip planned before we get into the new house, so I need to dig out tents etc... I need to get my clothes, shoes, body care stuff out for the next month. I'm going to miss being so close to my friends.

This weekend Eric is doing the high touch up work that requires ladders. I called yesterday to have our cable stopped next week and had our mail forwarded to my parents house. It's sinking in that this is real..and it's really happening.

We have signed papers on the Hemlock house and have put down earnest money. Knock on wood, we should close August 10th. The other offer they had that they were negotiating with was a cash offer, but it fell through. We have to purchase light fixtures (the old people took them all), appliances and a steam radiator. We have to purchase a riding lawn mower and a gas weed whacker (I can't imagine that I have a long enough cable to still use our electric one). But before all that...we have to get through inspections with flying colors..or at least with only the problems we already know about. We have to rip out and replace carpet in two rooms and paint one room...and we should be good to go.

Saffy calls.

I knew it was going to be a great day when Saff & I were out running this morning and a doe and two fawns crossed our path. We were running on a path at North Chagrin Reservation. It was just after 8 in the morning and the paths were all really quiet - that was when I decided to remember my brother telling me about bear sitings in the area. Ooof..luckily we didn't see any. The deer jumped out ahead of us and then one little baby and then another. I loved it.

After the park we headed to a playground right across the street (these were all right near Eric's work too!). Saff had a great time in the sand box and on the slide and swings. She ran around like a crazy lady until she decided the pool was a good idea. After spending about and hour and a half trying to get her to eat lunch, we made it to the pool for an hour or so...then back to the apartment for a three hour nap! Man was she cranky when she woke up though - everything was drama drama drama!

I made a apple smoked turkey breast with salad and rice for dinner. We headed out and found some bargain summer clothes for me at Old Navy & attempted to pick up Saff's medicine at Target, but their pharmacy closed at 7.

Eric talked to the bank that owns the house today and got a verbal agreement to our offer. We've been here before, so let's hope this time it goes better than it did last time.

Tomorrow Saffy & I head to my parents house with the kitties. We drop them and some of her toys off there then head home to round up whatever we need for the next month or so. Saff and I will be living with my parents for a while and Eric will be living with a co-worker. Not the ideal situation...but we're getting there.

You know what's great about this whole anxiety ridden situation that we're in right now? The diarrhea. My stomach has been a complete mess for the last three/four months.

Yesterday after work, Eric and I went running on a trail at a great metro park here. Saffy & I will head out there in a bit so I can do a bit longer run. I'm having some ankle issues, so I need to work on stretching those out afterward.

We're headed home tomorrow. Dropping the cats off at my parents on the way. We'll finish up some last minute stuff around the house and Eric will head back up to Cleveland on Sunday in the AMX. Movers come Wednesday to pack and Thursday to move us into storage. Friday we'll paint/clean and then our house will be ready for showing. I can't believe it.

Still no word on the house here. We're going on two weeks now. Yesterday we removed some of the stipulations from our offer, hoping that it would make them more agreeable. Here's hoping today brings good news.

Needing your space and being in a tiny apartment - not a good combination. Neither is being tired, overly emotional and totally PMS'y. Also, forgetting something you need in your car when you're in an 11th floor apartment - also a bit sucky. Wouldn't have gone back down if my cell battery weren't almost dead.

No word on the house today. Eric asked if I thought we'd hear anything today and even though I said no, my heart really hoped we would. I don't understand why this process is so slow. And why when our offer is over asking price...why it's even a question.

I can't sleep. My shoulder muscles are so tight it's scary.

The movers are coming next week. The movers are coming next week. The movers are coming next week....and I officially won't have a home in Columbus anymore..... I won't have any official home anywhere because we don't even have a fucking apartment to rent...and we can't stay here. And I don't know what to do about the cats. And I just hate this whole fucking process and I want to scream and throw things and break shit because I'm that god damn frustrated..... Instead I'll sit here with a glass of wine and cry a little.

I'm trying to work on trivia for my brother. Actually, I've done all he requested, but I'm trying to get ahead of the game because I know the next couple of months I'll be busier than I am now. I'm actually taking a break.

What do you call people when you don't know their name, but you need to get their attention? I called someone ma'am today. I hate that. She was probably younger than me. She was obviously not a miss though and I don't use pet names like honey or sweetie...because I find those annoying too. She was looking for her daughter at the park - I'd seen them together earlier and had just seen her little one climb up a ladder and was trying to get her attention - so I'm yelling out "Excuse me ma'am"...and it just sounded odd.

Speaking of lost kids...I found two today at the park. Maybe I'm just overly cautious, but I generally know where my kid is at all times. The one mom was all by herself, just talking to her own mom on the phone (I overheard their conversation)..the other mom was busy talking to a friend when her daughter, who was standing beside me burst out crying "Mommy!?!" I'm guilty of not paying 100% attention to my kids all the time..but when we're out in public, she never gets too far.

We need to start looking for apartments. After Saff gets up from her nap I'm going to walk over to the rental office in this place to check out short term leases. We can't stay in this furnished apartment (it's over $100/day to stay over), so we'll have to move a portion of our crap up and the rest later.

No word on the house yet. I'm still anxious.

I very rarely drink soda. I had a coke from the can a bit ago...and I have the most wretched after taste in my mouth now. Ewww.

I'm just so socially awkward when it comes to meeting new people. Yesterday afternoon when we were meeting our potentially new neighbors, we were joking about how Brian wanted to take down the fence at our potential new home and put it up in his own back yard - he'd joked that he didn't think anyone would notice. The guys were making jokes about it and instead of laughing along I blurted out "What's at the back of these properties?"... totally changing the subject and interrupting a jolly time. It was just awkward.

Today at the park, a mom was totally reaching out and trying to make friends and I just didn't know how to respond, so I hurried Saff through the rest of her lunch and went to the car. She was totally being nice, trying to make small talk about our girls and attempting to share graham crackers with Saff...but it just felt so weird and I had to get out of there right away.

I need to learn to open up and practice acceptable behavior. I need to work on calming myself and not running away when new people are being nice to me. I need to do this, not only for myself, but also for the sake of my daughter, so that she doesn't grow up to be weird like her mama.

I think tomorrow we're going to hit the Cleveland zoo. Anyone want to come up and go with us?!

...and the neighbors were outside, so Eric turned around and stopped.....and now I want the house even more. They're our age with a daughter almost exactly one year younger than Saffron.

Hopefully tomorrow brings good news.